Hard decisions –

It started as a conversation. A suggestion really. Living over an hour away from mom was becoming problematic. Although my four children had left home, I was still working, enjoying three grand-children and had become very involved in a community theatre group.

 “Move to my city.” I said. We can do stuff together and I can be more help with the little things. Changing light-bulbs, taking tops off of jars, decluttering, cleaning out the fridge, vacuuming. I can come over a couple times a week rather than once a month. She wouldn't be leaving behind a lot of friends. She had become quite a loner and her grand-children and great-grand-children live a few minutes away from me. Mom and I both love to cook so I pictured us trying new recipes and clothes shopping.

Mom’s resistance was surprising to me. She had lots of excuses. She would be unable to continue her volunteer work and she loved her doctor and dentist. She knew her way around and was familiar with all the stores. She would be a burden to me she said. Deep down, after 22 years in the same place, she was nervous about starting over.

I promised her I would get her involved with the Heritage Society and my theatre group. I would find her a new doctor and I knew if she had a decent kitchen and the internet for recipes, she would be content. She had her word games and was an avid reader.

Commuting back and forth from my city to hers a few times a month was not going to be an option. Her eyesight was failing but she was still driving. Albeit, badly but that is another post.  While the conversation about moving was taking place over several weeks, she had another accident and her car was a write-off. Perfect I thought. No more driving!! But mom was furious with me when I suggested it. No matter what, she would be buying a new car. Down we went to a dealership and she picked out a shiny grey Mazda. Within a very short time, there were major scrapes and dings along both sides. It occurred to me to report her to I.C.B.C. or something but I didn’t want her to know it was me who turned her in. It would be almost another year before she stopped.  I’ll go into detail in a future post.

I talked with my brother who lives in Alberta. He came out for a visit and together we finally convinced mom to put her condo on the market. We found a lovely one here attached to the Senior’s Centre in my city and only 10 minutes away from my door!  I was excited about Mom living close and my brother went back home. We were both satisfied that we were doing the right thing…… 

About my mom –

Highly intelligent and capable, mom had lived on her own for over 30 years. She retired from her teacher’s position at age 65 and filled her time with a little travelling, volunteer work and researching and preparing recipes. As a child, I enjoyed food from all over the world.

She loves opera, local politics and CBC.  Never very social, she was happiest in the kitchen or settling down with a good book and a nice glass of wine.

Now at 87, her eyesight is almost gone and her mobility is limited. She tires easily, gets confused and has self-isolated – a new term for me. She can’t fully dress herself, and has had several minor falls. She is struggling with showering and when she talks about going for a little walk outside her Assisted Living complex, I panic.

But a journey should start at the beginning so in my next post, I will go back a few years and tell you of the decision to move mom closer to me and all that it entailed.

Introduction

Hello –

Welcome to Caregiver Compass – a daughter’s journey

I am 65, the oldest of three children and the primary care-giver to my elderly mom. She was someone I shared recipes with, attended Broadway musicals with and someone who was fiercely independent. It never occurred to me how quickly that would all change when she turned 82. And how much my life would change in the process.

My blog is targeted to the thousands of people who are either in the same situation as me or will be in the next few years. You may recognize yourself as I tell the stories, mishaps and ah ha moments.  The feelings of sadness and guilt, frustration and laughter that have become my new life.

It really has been a journey as I navigate through the maze of legal, medical and everyday living with challenges and successes along the way. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can offer tips, resources, suggestions and hope.