No more driving!

One of the most difficult days for mom was the day she gave up her driver's license. The family had been concerned for some time about her ability to drive but no-one wanted to be "the one" to make the call to I.C.B.C.
She was in an accident that she caused and her car was a write-off. She was uninjured thank-fully and I assumed at that time she would gladly give up driving. When she started asking me to take her car shopping, I gently suggested maybe it was time. She was furious with me! She bought a car, a few months went by and with her move closer to me, I knew I could take care of any errands that required driving. Her brand new car had huge scrapes on both sides.
I talked to our doctor and they gave her a medical and declared her fit to drive. BUT a few weeks later, a letter arrived telling her she had to take a road test. Coincidence? I think not...
The test day arrived. I dropped mom off at the government building and said I would be back in a half hour. When I arrived, she was waiting and looking very sad. The instructor told me she had failed the test in less than 10 minutes. I was so relieved until he told us she could take a course and retake the test. Mom considered it over a week-end and decided on her own that she would stop driving. Another sign of aging. More independence gone.

I’m jumping ahead with this post but want to talk about things I have learned about being a primary care-giver. It was just stated on the news that there are more people over 65 now than under the age of 11. Many seniors are looking after their aging parents while dealing with their own challenges both physical and emotional. It is a constant learning curve. I’ve listed some of the discoveries I’ve made along the way that have helped my mom and in the process, eased my mind about her safety and well-being.

One of the best things I did was to have her accepted as a new patient with my doctor. She was reluctant to give up her own doctor but quickly realized the inconvenience of driving an hour each way to see him. My doctor is patient, caring and we never feel rushed. We go to all appointments together and I receive any and all information pertinent to my mom’s needs.

I have Power of Attorney but it is only good on paper. Phone calls still had to have mom verify who she was and who I was. I sent copies of the notarized document to Revenue Canada, Pension plan, insurance providers, extended medical and financial institutions. I can now call on my mom’s behalf, sign papers and do all her banking. It was suggested that her bank accounts have my name added in order to pay bills, question transactions that she had long forgotten and in the event of her death, the accounts will revert to me and not be frozen.

One piece of equipment I found very useful is a four-legged cane. Although resentful at first, mom came to rely more and more on a cane. She purchased a regular one but became frustrated that it fell to the floor when she put it down. I happened to see one that stayed upright in a fabulous store in Maple Ridge.

  http://www.independentlifestylestore.com/pages/home

These type of stores carry numerous items that we need and appreciate.

It became apparent a couple of years ago that mom could no longer walk far without tiring and she was constantly afraid of falling. Taking her to appointments and shopping was getting harder and harder. I thought a wheel-chair would be the answer. But they are heavy and cumbersome.  Learned about a Transport chair. Lighter and easier to collapse, it turned out to be the perfect solution. We rented it a couple of times and when we decided to buy it, the rent was applied to the purchase price.

Showering was becoming problematic and I learned about a shower bench. Sturdy, comfortable seat and rubber feet. Mom was still able to have a little independence.

Shoe shopping should be relatively simple but not for seniors. Mom wanted a pair of summer sandals. I took her to seven stores. The store clerks brought us choices that were impossible for someone who can barely see and walk. Tiny buckles couldn’t be fastened. Heels were out of the question. No one seemed to understand the predicament. Finally, out of desperation, I posted on Facebook and someone told us about Payton and Buckle

http://paytonandbuckle.com

They had the perfect comfortable sandals.

Anyone know where to buy bras for seniors?......

The MOVE

Now to purge and pack. I am the organizer in the family and I was excited about a fresh start for mom. She on the other had was overwhelmed and I had to be patient and slow down. Baby steps I kept telling myself. My brother arrived again and together we went through hundreds of books and papers. We had never done a project together as adults and it was surprising to me how much we think alike although completely different in personality. He is very practical and would stop me from charging ahead when necessary. Mom could only take a few hours of us being underfoot and I know now, she was internalizing a lot of emotions.

My suggestion to anyone who finds themselves moving an elderly person; especially a parent. Ask lots of questions – don’t assume they no longer want or need an item. Be prepared to pack up things you know are no longer useful. Double check that a task you are told will be done, actually is. Seniors tire much more quickly the older they become. Take frequent breaks. Be prepared for some confusion, resentment and stress.

Mom had retired as a teacher 17 years before but had kept boxes and boxes of teaching aids, papers and just stuff. She didn’t know what was in a lot of the boxes and we recycled or tossed most of it. We donated other items.

Her new condo was actually bigger than the one she was moving from so we couldn’t use the excuse of down-sizing. All kitchen items which were numerous had to be brought with. Was she going to use seven frying pans, multiple tools, half a dozen measuring cups? My brother and I learned to pick our battles – there were more pressing details to worry about.

We organized a moving truck and the day of the move, my brother stayed with mom in the condo she was moving from and I waited in her new one to supervise the arrival of her belongings. Everything was in place or so we thought… half-way thru the day my brother called and said mom was confused, dizzy and nauseous. What had we done? My brother drove mom out to me and he went back to finish dealing with the move-out. Things settled into place and we got the important things set up for her. Bathroom, bed and kitchen stuff. It was all good until the next day when my brother and I went back to the old condo to clean. The fridge and freezer were full, the office was littered with unpacked items - none of the tasks mom had promised to take care of were done. We spent another whole day emptying and cleaning the appliances, vacuuming, scrubbing the bathroom etc. We now knew for certain that we made the right decision to move her a few minutes from me. 

Hard decisions –

It started as a conversation. A suggestion really. Living over an hour away from mom was becoming problematic. Although my four children had left home, I was still working, enjoying three grand-children and had become very involved in a community theatre group.

 “Move to my city.” I said. We can do stuff together and I can be more help with the little things. Changing light-bulbs, taking tops off of jars, decluttering, cleaning out the fridge, vacuuming. I can come over a couple times a week rather than once a month. She wouldn't be leaving behind a lot of friends. She had become quite a loner and her grand-children and great-grand-children live a few minutes away from me. Mom and I both love to cook so I pictured us trying new recipes and clothes shopping.

Mom’s resistance was surprising to me. She had lots of excuses. She would be unable to continue her volunteer work and she loved her doctor and dentist. She knew her way around and was familiar with all the stores. She would be a burden to me she said. Deep down, after 22 years in the same place, she was nervous about starting over.

I promised her I would get her involved with the Heritage Society and my theatre group. I would find her a new doctor and I knew if she had a decent kitchen and the internet for recipes, she would be content. She had her word games and was an avid reader.

Commuting back and forth from my city to hers a few times a month was not going to be an option. Her eyesight was failing but she was still driving. Albeit, badly but that is another post.  While the conversation about moving was taking place over several weeks, she had another accident and her car was a write-off. Perfect I thought. No more driving!! But mom was furious with me when I suggested it. No matter what, she would be buying a new car. Down we went to a dealership and she picked out a shiny grey Mazda. Within a very short time, there were major scrapes and dings along both sides. It occurred to me to report her to I.C.B.C. or something but I didn’t want her to know it was me who turned her in. It would be almost another year before she stopped.  I’ll go into detail in a future post.

I talked with my brother who lives in Alberta. He came out for a visit and together we finally convinced mom to put her condo on the market. We found a lovely one here attached to the Senior’s Centre in my city and only 10 minutes away from my door!  I was excited about Mom living close and my brother went back home. We were both satisfied that we were doing the right thing……